


For crime for obedience

by horrorriz



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Gotham (TV)
Genre: Bank Robbery, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Marriage, Nygmobblepot, Oneshot, Riddlebird - Freeform, Robbery, based on the leaked pictures, season 5 speculating, this is actually adorable for once, timeskip au, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 08:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16698547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorriz/pseuds/horrorriz
Summary: It was as ridiculous as it was natural, and far from surprising. When he had taken on the cape and the cowl the first time, he had done it with intention to keep the bad blood in order. This was certainly not what he had in mind.Here he stood, in the middle of Gotham first national bank, with civilians who had previously hunched down to avoid the rain of bullets filling the space, now beginning to stand in order to see the drama playing out before them. For there they were, two of the most notorious super villains in the city, part of the Batman’s rogues gallery and the man-, or perhaps bat- himself to wed them.





	For crime for obedience

**Author's Note:**

> At the time I'm posting this, pictures of Season 5 timeskip featuring Penguin and Riddler being tied up together have just been leaked, and the speculations around it inspired me to write this.  
> It's written pretty fast so there might be some mistakes.  
> This is mostly a crack fic, written for the sheer humor of it all, but there's some actual sweet elements to it I think people might enjoy.

Another calling, robbery at Gotham’s First National bank. Witnesses said that they had seen Penguin and Riddler at the scene. Just what he needed to start off the evening…  
Batman had only just got to the city for his nightly rounds, attempting to keep the city moderately clear of disaster, when he had to stop two thugs from stabbing a young woman when she refused to give up her handbag. He had to give the citizen’s credit for putting up a fight even in a threatening situation like that.  
Now this? Lowlife hoods he could handle, but two of his rogues called for… Effort.  
With a grunt rather than a sigh he swept his cape around and made his way over the rooftops, headed towards the bank.

   
When the bat landed in the middle of the room, he had to halt his steps in order to fully take in what kind of situation he had walked-, or rather -jumped into.  
Long festoons covered the ceiling and an ocean of flowers, for which the bigger part consisted of lilies, were placed around the establishment. It also appeared as someone had fired off a dozen of glitter cannons…  
The bankers were forcibly strapped into chairs, neatly placed in a row before what looked suspectedly like an aisle.  
Now the villains liked to be extravagant in their crimes, that wasn’t anything new, but what on earth was actually going on here?  
Momentarily taken back by the whole spectacle he stuttered words of confusion.  
“What… Are you doing?”

   
Riddler chuckled with glee before pulling one of his trademark moves, a riddle.  
“A bond to be shared, a lifetime’s promise. Dedication to another in sickness and health.”

  
“Give us a break you big flying rodent, we’re here to get married.” Cobblepot gave Batman a simple sneer.

   
“YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO ANSWER MY RIDDLE!” Ed screamed back into Oswald’s face, utterly offended.

  
“You want to marry? I’ll tie the knot around you alright…” The bat warned.

  
“Is that a promise, Batman?” The Penguin stepped forward with a crooked grin.

   
“I think you’re mis-” He tried to object but was cut short by a very excited Riddler, clapping his hands and doing a little dance that looked even more preposterous than the scene they found themselves in.

   
“Oh what a wonderful idéa love! Batman, dear. Would you give us the honor of being our officiant?” Nygma chirped and looked lovingly over to his partner in crime.

   
“I…” The bat shifted his stance in such a innocent awkward way, that with his buff getup and deep voice furthermore only added to the bizarre situation.

   
“Are you discriminating same sex marriage!? Here I thought you of all people with your far from professional relationship with Joker, would be the one to understand.” Oswald scoffed and grabbed Edward’s hand, already limping towards the exit. The fun was over anyway.

  
“It is not so much the fact that you’re men but…”

  
The Penguin stopped and looked back at his nemesis.  
“But what Batman? If you don’t have any objections, get on with it already.”

  
  
It was as ridiculous as it was natural, and far from surprising. When he had taken on the cape and the cowl the first time, he had done it with intention to keep the bad blood in order. This was certainly not what he had in mind.  
Here he stood, in the middle of Gotham first national bank, with civilians who had previously hunched down to avoid the rain of bullets filling the space, now beginning to stand in order to see the drama playing out before them. For there they were, two of the most notorious super villains in the city, part of the Batman’s rogues gallery and the man-, or perhaps _bat-_ himself to wed them.

  
The hero cleared his throat and shifted his stance before looking from one pair of eager eyes to the other, waiting, expecting. It was almost comical how full of life and loving the gaze of two of the most ruthless and brilliant criminals he had ever met could be. How those two only ever had the eyes for one another, there was no denying in how much they truly loved each other. Which was also the reason he would even consider doing this. Who was he, Batman or not, to deny two humans of happiness?  
“Do you, Edward Nygma. Take Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot to be your lawful husband through… For crime for obedience, heist for bankruptcy, imprisonment and in power?  
The extra details added to the otherwise simple and traditional vows made Riddler shine in pleasant surprise. If he was going to do this, he might as well do it with the couple’s taste and wishes in mind.  
  
  
Ed nodded eagerly, jumping on his heel, filled with such sheer excitement, that he simply was unable to allow himself to stand still.  
“I do!”

   
“And do you, Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, hereby take Edward Nygma and promise to love him for as long your heart still beats, till a golden bullet tears it apart leaving you to rot?”

   
“I do.” The Penguin was glowing by now, lost in the eyes of his lover, his husband.  
  
  
“You may kiss the groom.”

  
Batman barely had time to say the words before the men locked lips in a heartfelt moment of pure joy that was so very rare to witness in this normally cursed city. The people forced into the ceremony by simple misfortune of having chosen that exact evening to do their financial business, now stood as witnesses, clapping their hands, some even wiping tears. In a city like Gotham, the villains and heroes was as much celebrities as anything else. To have been officially (un)invited to the wedding of Penguin and Riddler was a privilege they could brag about for decades from now.

   
When the kiss was finally broken, and the newlyweds had allowed themselves to peer their lingering gazes from each other. Batman stepped up to grab them both by their coats.  
“You didn’t think just because you decided to say your vows, I’d let go of the fact you did it during a full blown robbery?”

  
“Have some respect for your elders, bat. We have had this city in a snowglobe of our hands since before you were even old enough to hold a grappling hook!” Penguin snorted, fighting the grip by twisting and turning, but the man held him steady.

   
The vigilante remained quiet, just started to drag them out of the bank, to fulfill his earlier promise of helping them “tie the knot”

  
  
***

  
The Penguin and Riddler found themselves tightly tied together, hoisted up in midair on a empty street. Batman he really been literal when he spoke of tying the knot, but it was not exactly what they had in mind. Though maybe they should have been thankful for the favor he did them. Although he could fool no one, the bat had as much penchant for the dramatic as the rest of them.

   
“I’ll let Commissioner Gordon know he is accustomining your honeymoon in the precinct tonight.” He gave them a weak grin before disappearing into the shadows.

 

“Showoff.” Ed muttered.

   
“You shouldn’t be the one to speak, it is because of your need for over the top extravaganza we ended up in this situation.” Oswald pointed out, moving around his restraints, wiggling his legs in attempts to get loose, without avail.

   
“Oh like you don’t love it yourself, have you taken a look at yourself and your club lately? An entire iceberg, inside a nightclub, inhabiting actual live penguins?”

   
“Well I had to arrange some sort of replacement in order to live up to the name, after my previous main attraction ran away.”

   
“It’s quite strange to think back on all the events that led us to this very point, isn’t it?” Ed chuckled softly, lacing his hand together in Oswald’s, wishing he could see his new husband right now. Couldn’t Batman at least tied them up face to face so they could spend this spare time kissing?

   
“Some say it’s the journey that makes it, not the destination.” He returned the affection by giving their hands a light press, just to remind them of their presence. That even if he had not currently been suspended high up in the air, he planned to go nowhere.

  
  
The were a few moments of affectionate solitude between the two, before the metallic sound of a ladder being shoved against the nearest wall filled the cool night air. A man climbed up and pointed some sort of laser device at the wire holding them up, allowing them to fall into the street with a heavy thud.

The mystery man proceeded to use the device again to cut the ropes around them, finally freeing the pair.

   
Ed helped pulling Oswald up, who’s leg did not agree with the harsh landing. He was about to lash forward, not liking any stranger to treat them that way, rescuer or not.

  
“Wait, Ed! Look, look who it is!” Oswald grabbed onto Ed’s arm, stopping him.

   
Ed fixed his glasses and narrowed his eyes, inspecting the man who had dressed himself in The Riddler bowler hat, leaning against Oswald’s umbrella.  
“Martin?”

   
_“You think I’d miss my godfathers wedding?”_ A robotic voice told them, coming from another device of the young man. He chuckled inaudible, taking off the hat to reveal his face fully.

   
“You were there?” Oswald asked in surprise.

   
Martin simply nodded before handing them their respective hats, cane and umbrella back.

   
“Well then son, what do you say about being invited to the wedding party of the century, back at the Iceberg Lounge?” Patting Martin’s back, Oswald smiled and led the man forward.

   
“All the other rogues are invited, and they’re bringing gifts!” Ed grinned.

   
Martin nodded eagerly while Edward proceeded to smash the glass of a nearby car, ready to hotwire their way to their reception.

Ed took the wheel with Oswald beside him in the passenger seat and Martin in the back. For just a moment they were able to imagine a very different life, where they were not known criminals and could have had a normal wedding. Perhaps Martin could have even grown up with them...

But as soon as Edward - The Riddler hit the gas and they speeded away, laughing madly with his husband Oswald aka The Penguin, he knew he wouldn’t trade it for anything.  
What _normal_ people have this much fun?


End file.
